I moved to Los Angeles. I never wanted to move back to Los Angeles, it wasn't the plan I had for my life and it definitely wasn't in my plan to move here in a moments notice, but life throws some crazy shit at you. Knives. I feel like knives are being thrown at me. Sharp butchering knives. And i don't feel like this all the time but I do go in and out of this daze, and by daze I mean crying episodes where i repeat "how did this become my life?"
I live in La, with my mother and grandmother, and I am now their caretaker. I can't really speak on their ailments, because we are still seeing doctors trying to figure out exactly what is going on, but I can say that my life has changed and the people that I once knew are no longer those same people and it hurts my heart to the core. So many emotions have risen for me, anger at my mom for letting it get this far, hopelessness for my life and what it will now become, fear that I will never be able to accomplish all of the goals I had set in my mind, fear that no man would ever want to be with a girl who is taking care of her family,uncertainty about the future our financial situations, I am an only child, there is only me, I am alone in this and i don't really know what to do. Im calling doctors all day, fighting with family who no longer know who I am, I don't even have the energy to think about planning something for myself or self care, or any of that, I feel like i have been placed in a steel box thats been chained shut.
Ive been forcing optimism out my ass for the past 4 weeks since my move, and Im nearly all out. I see no silver lining at this moment. And more importantly I'm tired of the "everything happens for a reason" speech. i don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear "God has big plans for you" or "when one door closes another opens" I don't want to hear it. I just left my friends, my job, the love interest, my 7 years of building relationships and a life in New York, a city I've wanted to move to since I was 13, to take care of one person who is completely evil to me and another who it breaks my heart to see in this condition.
I want more for myself than this. I need more, I won't be happy taking care of other people for the rest of my life, its some peoples calling but it isn't mines.
I also understand this feeling is just a moment, and I will adapt, but the shock of this situation has yet to sink in.
I also understand this feeling is just a moment, and I will adapt, but the shock of this situation has yet to sink in.
I feel so lost.
