Day 33 #100TerrifyingDay

Today I went to a Toastmasters meeting for stutterers where everyone at the meeting spoke Hebrew. It was lovely, I was given the opportunity to give a speech of course in English, I made it short and sweet, but one of the members turned around and said "you dont understand anything here do you?" I later wrote him a note that said "Stuttering is one language" I cant take full credit for that quote, it was actually said to me by Eytan, you guys will meet him soon, hes and amazing stutterer in the Israeli community. After the meeting I had the opportunity to have coffee with a few of the attendees, some stutter talk some not. I was really embraced by this community and I hope to make a trip back very soon.

Day 32 #100TerrifyingDays

So today I traversed the streets of Yafo, Tel Aviv and Jerusalem...I had the best time ever! The day started out with me leaving my hostel, taking a twenty minute walk to the bus station...on my way I met a fellow named Emannuele, this was perfect timing because i was beginning to doubt that i was on the right path, after walking for 20 minutes by yourself in a foreign country, with signs that you cant read, and streets spelled differently than whats written on the map, you begin to really question yourself. Emanuelle is a Nigerian that plays on the Tel Aviv basketball team, and kindly walked me to my bus, insisted that he paid my way...and that we hang out tonight...we will see about that.

I took the bus to Jerusalem where I met Eytan, a stutterer who lives in Tel Aviv and is all about the self acceptance movement. We hung out in the Old City, it was cool, I got to see a lot of the streets and actual buildings and walls that I read about in the Bible as a child, as well as walking through all of the markets. I then got together with Uri Schneider, the speech pathologist who was apart of planning this whole trip to Israel, we did a challenge where walked up to some Israeli soldiers, while they were charging their phone and they taught me how to say their name, and i taught them how to say mines. I have all this on camera, I will post it on a vlog in the future.

And the big finale to this day was the Q and A that Uri and Hannon...both stutterers in Israel put together, where I spoke to a group speech pathologist and stutterers about my Stuttergirl videos, we created a real dialogue about acceptance and the psychological aspect of stuttering, overcoming doubt and bringing about change, it was life changing. To be in a room all of these people with the same outlook, or trying to understand my outlook...it was more than I ever could have asked for and far more than I ever would have imagined, when I first began these videos a few months ago. I hope to continue this dialogue around the world, ive met some inspiring people and they encourage me to be better. Thats all for now, im going to rest, i have another speaking engagement tomorrow...and I cant wait.

Day 31 #100TerrifyingDays

On my way  out of Paris. I have to be honest, I am a bit happy to be leaving Paris for a while, aside from not speaking the language, I have come into contact with many incredibly short tempered people, and without the right words to tell them that I stutter I found it incredibly difficult to even want to speak. However I did hang out with Parisian friend, who spoke very little english, this gave me the time to really slow down and talk to her, making communication a bit easier for the both of us. I am most likely going to make up these days with challenges in the states, however this was my experience and I own every second of it. I fly to Israel soon, I am very excited about this portion of the trip.

Day 30 #100TerrifyingDays

Still dealing with a bit of difficulty with language barrier, but yesterday I hung out with a friend that i had met this summer in the states. She speaks a little english so we had the challenge of understanding each other the entire day. It forced me to go much slower than I normally would, which was of much help. We are hanging out again today, Im going to continue my slow pace and work more on eye contact today, as it was very difficult yesterday. I tried to maintain it a few times yesterday, but working on that coupled with comprehension is a lot. ok bye y'all

Day 29 #100TerrifyingDays

Paris...Paris is lovely, but boy is it difficult to get the people designated to help you, to actually help you. So I went to lunch today to meet Burt and Jeanne two Parisian friends who stutter as well, to eat, chat, and do a little sight seeing, but of course I had to take the train to get there. Being a New Yorker, I pretty much understand subways, Once I see the map and know where Im going, I get the hang of it pretty quickly, however today, i could not find the Metro sign to get me to the station. So I'm knocking on this information window where this lady is sitting, I say "excusez-moi" deliberately trying not to piss her off by approaching her with english, she looks at me and waves me off. I say it again, she then point to the sign which was in french and turned back around.

Then this lady (we'll call her 'Ms. Wonderful')walks up, she spoke a little english as she was walking up, I thought, lets see how this goes. Then she taps the window and speaks full on french, the lady ignores her again and Ms. Wonderful raises her voice, yells at this woman in french and demands an answer. The woman behind the window walks over and directs us across the walkway to another window. Ms. Wonderful grabs my arm and says come on, she gets both of our questions answered, and turns out we end up taking the same train. While on the train she tells me she from Illinois, but moved to Europe 45 years ago, I talk a bit about stuttering. We later get separated by train doors, but her last words to me were that she'll be looking for my TED talk and God Bless. I don't know if Ill ever do a Ted Talk, they scare me, but Ms. Wonderful and I were placed in the train station just for that moment and Im thankful for it.

Day 28 #100TerrifyingDays

Right now it feels like just opening my mouth to speak is a terrifying experience. Ok maybe not terrifying, but pretty scary. So, I arrived in Paris this morning, bought my train ticket, took the train then took the bus to the location I will be staying while in Paris (i talked to people asking directions for all of these actions). I can say these were all challenges, but these were all things that had to be done. However I did decided to challenge myself. While in the supermarket, picking up a few things to have in the apt while I'm here, I heard two women speaking english (american accent english), I happy to hear someone speak english walked over and introduced myself, very openly stuttering, they introduced themselves, they're from the south. It was quick, but it was done. Im finding it difficult to voluntarily stutter while having such language barriers placed against me right now, but I'm going to figure out how to get these challenges done. Have a lovely night y'all.

Day 27 #100TerrifyingDays

I've become comfortable (speaking wise) in New York, and this trip was the perfect thing to help me realize that. I still have my difficult moments, but I can control them much easier. I had a sudden nearly uncontrollable stutter on the plane today, while talking over two other people to the flight attendant saying I'd like coffee. It was a feeling I haven't felt in a minute. I'm excited to make the world my comfort zone now.

Day 26 #100TerrifyingDays

The progress with eye contact is moving like the hare but it is moving. While at work I worked through the word P-p-paper multiple times with a few people with eye contact. Many allowed me to say the word, many finished it...but I finished it as well. This is definitely a success for me, let letter P has been one of my most feared letters, I know that if I can say P,  can say any word with confidence.

Day 25 #100TerrifyingDays

SOOOO, my roommate is in town, were both actress' so we went to this Q and A for a film that will be coming out Christmas Day 2014 called Selma. Afterward we hung out and went to dinner with the cast and the director Ava DuVernay. I had the opportunity to tell her about Stuttergirl, the video blog, my trip thats coming up, it was lovely, I don't think she got it at first, but thats ok....I get it...but she is now following me on twitter.

Day 24 #100TerrifyingDays

Ive been having a lot of meetings lately, talking to people about Stuttergirl, getting ideas, making plans and what not. Friday night I had another one. When I have hess i try to stay as calm as possible, look like I know exactly what Im talking about and try not to stutter. I decided, why am I trying not to stutter, my show is called Stuttergirl, so I threw that out the window, and that was maybe my most successful meeting to date. Fuck it, I'm me.

Day 23 #100TerrifyingDays

Ive been wanting to improve my meditation practice so I decided to go to the Jewish Community Center which hold a free/donation based meditation every morning. It really was beautiful experience. In the end the room was asked if they had any comment about the meditation. This was a room of 6 people all at least 20 yrs older than me, and I decided to raise my hand. I talked about how important the stillness was for me and understanding tat in the present moment I truly do have everything that I need. I also talked a little about Stuttergirl and how I have to remember to take it a day at a time. At the end of the meditation meeting, the Rabbi asked me for my youtube name and said that my comment helped him as well. So far a good start to this day.

Btw in the past, I never would have spoken up in room of fluent people....ever.

Day 22 #100TerrifyingDays

Had some dental work done today, so my mouth was numb for half the day, I also had a phone meeting a little later today about my possible trip to Israel, you can donate here, if you'd like to support me in spreading stuttering awareness globally.

However I noticed that I gave myself such leeway to speak as slowly as wanted to, because i had the added difficulty of not being able to feel my mouth. I wish I could give that to myself just because I deserve it. I don't don't this as often, but I used to feel so bad stuttering, because I thought i was waisting peoples time, and its my problem. I wonder if people in wheelchairs, or blind people feel this way about their "disability." So, i want to focus more on slowing down because I can, and what I need to do for myself in that moment is more important than anyones opinion about it.

Day 21 #100TerrifyingDays

Ok, so today has been a busy day. By the way I made a video that I posted today where I shared that I was invited and am trying to buy a flight to Israel to spread Stuttering Awareness. If there is anyone that hates asking for money from ANYONE its me. Id go without a lot before I even go to my parents for money. So making this video was really really difficult. But Ive gotten so much support already, thats is really showed me how beautiful the community is that these videos have started creating. Now for todays challenge, I just picked one moment to use clean stuttering with a customer. I did it at the cash register. It worked well, I struggled a bit, but i tried and that has to count for something.

Day 20 #100TerrifyingDays

Today I have a Skype meeting, discussing a few projects that Im working on, and I made it a point to work on eye contact throughout this meeting. I had some of the longest instances of open eye blocks, but thats a good thing. I can feel keeping my eyes open while blocking getting minutely easier and easier...minutely. Work in progress.

Day 19 #100TerrifyingDays

Today was really a beautiful day. For the past week, specially after the obonxious encounter I had with the Trader Joes customer who mocked my stutter, Id been going to work dreading talking to people, my thoughts were turning all people into horrible,uncaring assholes. As difficult as it was to begin i started using voluntary stuttering again at the cash register. I had stopped and began practicing my easy onsets and prolongations, but whenever I use those for too long, I notice that I fall back in the habit of trying to hide my stutter with them...which is so dangerous for me.

So i voluntary stuttered. A lot, like so much so that Im sure people were like "really?" But i don't care, I need the extreme desensitization after that week, to prove to myself again that all people aren't shitty, and that I can overcome that set back.

It went well. It really did, I got wonderful eye contact from a lot of people, and patience...It felt good. BTW I also introduced myself to a new crew member that I hadn't met before, he had great eye contact and held my hand for over 30 seconds until i got my name out. It was refreshing.

Day 18 #100TerrifyingDays

I work in retail where we have new hires and new fires ALL THE TIME. I swear this month I saw at least 100 new people. So for the people who have been there a slightly longer amount of time (which I guess would be me, 8 months and counting till I rid myself of this hell) you get into the habit of letting new people come, you don't really introduce yourself because there is a whole new 100 people who will be gone and another new 100 hired. Ive gotten into this habit which I detest, its just a bit of a hassle explaining the whole I stutter thing and waiting for their responce. However,I know how important being acknowledged is, specially as someone who has to fight for it when speaking. So, today I decided to break the habit, I introduced myself to a new girl, Jovanna, and we had a really fun conversation, I even told her about the youtube videos I do, which was cool. I may just take on the challenge to also meet one new person at my job a day. Lets see how that goes.

Day 17 #100TerrifyingDays Challenge

Went to dinner with a friend this evening at a restaurant she's managing, if I ever need a good practice session for eye contact I know I can count on her...she gets it, she gets stuttering, she gets why eye contact is important, she gets it and she's fluent, and I love her for that. So I did some really good eye contact practice with her. A waiter was at the table while we were talking and a big block came up, and she kept eye contact with me, while blocking and pulling out of it, patiently waited for me to finish my sentence, then we attended to the waiter. She's a great boss but she's also a great friend, and I needed that moment and our practice dinner.

So, this was clearly a love letter to my friend, but moments like that outweigh all the crappy ones, because these people know me and love me.

Day 16 #100TerrifyingDays

Today was pretty low-key, worked from home a bit, so I decided to do a phone call challenge using pullouts. Im working on a lot of things with my speech, i need to make a list of all of them, but one of them is muscle control, specially with pullouts. I did a phone call to a restaurant asking if I could reserve a room for a party of fifty. My goal during this call was to minimize tension, and pull out of my blocks while keeping my eyes open. i have a tendency to close my eyes when i stutter, thus losing connection with the person Im talking with. I figured a first step is learning to maintain eye contact on the phone, its a bit easier because Im not looking the person directly in the eye, and I'm also finally mentally and emotionally ready to work on this secondary, which I think is my most one. So I know it will take a lot of work, maybe years, but this journey hasn't been short thus far, so why would I expect it to be now.
I advertised on the phone, (told her that I stutter), she was very pleasant and patient, and time pressure that I felt I had placed on myself, which is the usual in a lot of cases...not all, but I walked away with a few success' and few really nice pullouts. Im happy with today.

Day 15 #100TerrifyingDays

Today voluntary stuttering was not my friend at all, every time I attempted to start a sentence off with a voluntary stutter, or stutter out of a block, I ended up in a block, or blocked more. This went on for a while. Then the thought hit me, wait, I have more than one tool I can use, duh. This is a part of why I think learning more than one type of speech technique is valuable because, we aren't the same everyday. One thing won't work every time, so I pulled out some easy onsets and prolongations. This helped me keep eye contact, which is what Im working on most. I felt much better after incorporating these. Learned a lesson today.

Day 14 #100TerrifyingDays Trying to get a Visa

Day 14 was interesting. Today I had to run around trying to get my visa for India, but I don't have residency in NY, so its been difficult, I hope I can get it, if not I may have to cancel that part of my trip. sadness. So I talked a lot today, I was in this third party visa company in a very small cramped office with three other people in close quarters. I purposely voluntary stuttered during this exchange because usually in situations like this I can revert to unintentionally hiding my stutter. So I just let it out. It went well, I was too worried about my trip to care too much about the embarrassment of people knowing that I stutter. I guess thats a plus to life getting in the way of speech. keep your fingers crossed. Sleep tight.

Day 13 #100TerrifyingDays

So here is another "well meaning" person at Trader Joes saying something not so smart. The upper westside customers never cease to amaze me with their comments. Last night I slept with the air conditioner on, so I woke up this morning with a horribly scratchy throat, and runny nose, and went to work with this. So, we change jobs nearly every hour unless you're on register, so for this particular hour throughout the day I was working the elevator, with all the moms with strollers and elderly people and random people just wanting attention its quite exhausting. So I had an elevator full of people and this elderly lady asked me a question, I stuttered, she asked if I was ok, I said yes I stutter. She said, I bet you sing beautifully though. I know this was well meaning, and what not but, maybe I'm just over all of it, all of the "nice" comments rapped in sympathy, and what not. My reply was, I speak beautifully as well. She wasn't expecting this, I could tell by her face when she heard this. By this time the elevator opened on the top floor and she walked out. There was a day when I would have agreed and said, yes I do sing, but that wasn't important, what was important was my pride in who I am. This took courage, and I did it.

Day 12 #100TerrifyingDays

So, my friend invited me to a fashion show for Fashion Week here in NYC. BTW my friend is a budding fashion youtube blogger TheCurvyCutie. So this was her atmosphere, I on the other hand was just happy to be there, and feel cool and fashionable and have the sangria. So she is one of the best networkers that I know, she has a way of talking to people that gets their guard down and she's just lovely to watch communicate. I....am still working on that specially in networking situations. So she was talking to an editor of a Plus Size Magazine company and she introduces me and says I have a blog as well, about stuttering. That was the perfect intro for me, It really set up who i was and gave the lady I was talking to information on what to expect. So I was very appreciative of that. However what happened afterward was pure luck (or preparation...i don't believe in luck), this woman was the most attentive and supportive listener I have had in a very long time, I told her about the #100terrifyingdays during all of this I kept giving myself positive reinforcement, thinking positive thoughts, and scanning my body for any tension to release. The editor and I really made a beautiful connection, she looked me in my eyes and said you're on the right path. It was beautiful. Ive been putting myself in these challenging situations lately and the confirmation that I have been receiving has been amazing. I hope this helps other people out there who have been scared to follow their dreams because of their speech or any other forceable obstacle. The doors will open, you just have to put yourself on the line and take many leaps of faith. Until next time, I love you and goodnight.

Day 11 #100TerrifyingDays

I had to call my building supervisor to fix a window in my living room. I made sure to advertise, the thing that made it different this time was I really made it a point to not succumb to time pressure, finish my sentences even when the other person on the phone finishes it, and to scan my body for tension. Doing these things made the call a success for me, focusing on the things that keep me as comfortable as I can be. Boom.

Day 10 #100TerrifyingDays

Yesterday was day 10. I worked late, got home at 11pm and passed out. Ever not been in the mood to talk to anyone. That was my yesterday, Im not sure if fluent people ever get this feeling, but sometimes I just don't want to talk, it takes effort, and quite frankly, my job really isn't worth all the effort of talking..in my opinion.

Shout out to all the people doing what they love for a living, its a hard road but passion and persistence will get you there. Anyway, I just didn't want to talk, not even for fear of stuttering which is a good feeling to have, however this one guy came to my register, and was insistent on having a conversation, so I obliged, turns out he stuttered as well. When most people say, "Oh I stutter too." I usually agree with them to let the conversation pass, when in actuality they don't stutter, they may stumble over there words from time to time which ALL people do. But this guy stuttered. You can sometimes tell by just looking in a persons eyes when their talking, that they understand the struggle that comes along with stuttering. I could tell he did. He then called me his sister, and said were like family. I said yes. Im not sure if I can count this as a challenge, if not, Ill use my bonus challenge in place of this one, but that little interaction at my register made me feel ten times better. Thank God for those little moments.

Day 9 #100TerrifyingDays Ignorance lives, and Im over it.

Im posting this on day 10 because life gets a little cray sometimes. So yesterday I had an encounter with a customer at work, I was voluntarily stuttering with all of my customers, struggle free, and just making sure that I was comfortable in myself while doing this. We can call that a challenge, but its just my way of getting to where I want to be with my speech.

So I ask this guy if he'd like p-p-p-paper or p-p-p before I could get the next word out he smiles and loudly (and I mean loudly, so loud that my two co-workers next to me stopped what they were doing to figure out what was going on) says B-B-B-B-Both. I stop what I was doing, look at him and say...I have a stutter, he looks at me smiles and says, "ahhh thats ok, take your time, I don't mind" My response was, yeah I don't mind it either, its just what it is. Ive been in enough situations like this to know how to let it pass by quickly, get the customer gone and deal with the emotional part that it may stir in me a little later.

After he left, my co-workers on either side of me said 'What the Fuck was that?" "Did he just do what I think he did?" My reply was, yes, he did, he's dumb, and ignorant and that shit happens all the time. They were furious, I was sad, Im tired of stuff like this happening, and though I stood up for myself, somewhat, Im now promising myself to educate people, in whatever manner I need to.

I once had a woman come into my store, lay her hands on me and pray...in tongues, then told me I wasn't healed because my faith was too little. REALLY!!!! Aside from hearing that from my own church throughout my childhood, I now have to deal with it from strangers, she then used an EBT card to pay for her food. I thought, "you should probably ask God to fix your finances in that case" (that was mean, I know) I told one of my managers this story and he shrugged it off as if it was nothing out of the ordinary. This only tells me that I have to take things into my own hands. I refuse to allow people to get away with such ignorant comments and behaviors. Its my job (for now), and I refuse to allow this stupidity to continue, at least not for myself.

Day 8 #100TerrifyingDays

Lots of talking today, at work, at support group, on the train, but then I decided to go into Best Buy and make this a formal challenge, I challenged myself to go into Best Buy and ask where the memory cards for cameras are, while keeping a positive mental state. Ive noticed that if I go into these challenges just working on my stutter, Im never quite happy with the outcome, so if I go into them attacking the behavior that causes the struggles in my speech, I feel better in the end. So I found a employee, asked my question, the gentleman of course finished my sentence, I would not allow him to show me where the Memory cards were until i finished my own sentence. Small things like that really do make me feel better. Whether the person has a habit of finishing other people sentences, or is impatient, or wants to help me out, I really do make it a habit to say all that I intended to say. I hope you guys are doing well on your journey, it can get a bit hectic out there, keep going!

Day 7 #100TerrifyingDays

I took a break in-between editing today to get a mani/pedi with my friend Jet. While my nails were drying I sat next to this love lady Marsha, she was 91 and lived in Manhattan her entire life. In the past I was never the type to start up conversation with people, but I have become that person more and more. I made the choice to stutter very openly with her, and worked at releasing tension while maintaining eye contact. It was such a lovely little chat that we had. Well worth it.

Day6 #100TerrifyingDays

Im a day late, I meant to post this last night, but after doing an 8 hour shift on my feet then endless editing on the computer, I literally fell asleep with my laptop on my lap with drool dripping out the side of my mouth. So, yesterday I began work at 5am, once I arrived and began talking to my co-workers I could tell that my body was holding a lot of tension. Talking was especially a difficult task. Usually a ten minute meditation helps me to get back into my body and feel whats going on on the inside, so that I can at least have a better understanding of whats going on in my body today, but I didn't have the time at that moment. So I decided to stutter, on everything. I made the choice to work with myself as much as I could, pay as much attention to my body and when it tensed up as I could and relieve the tension as much as I could. I did the same with customers. I really had to make my journey with stuttering a personal endeavor about myself. I can't care about other people opinions at this moment, this is my journey, my speech. Fortunately cognitive restructuring has helped me a lot in that department. Alright, Ill be doing a lot of editing today (Labor Day) Hopefully I can make it out the house to do a challenge, Ill catch up with you later today.