Ive been letting my past dictate my present. Not ok. Stuttergirl ;)

On every journey we take their will be setbacks, and lessons to learn from. Every now and then, we internalize those lessons and make them truth in our head. Ive done that, and Ive just noticed it and now its time to change that. So Early in my career…meaning while I was still in college and grad school…I was not able to control my speech as well as I can now. Some people think, that when I act, I just don't stutter. Thats not the truth. I knew this was the field that I wanted to work in so I had to find way and teach myself how to act without allowing the stutter to take complete control. This has been so far a 7 year process, and I am still in the process of mastering it….let be honest, I may always be in the process of mastering it.

So because I have not been completely in control of my speech and still am not, I have also experienced being pulled out of productions and plays due to my speech, not being cast in productions because of my speech, even though my audition was flawless, and me personally declining opportunities because I think people will inevitably not want to work with me. Now…none of this has happened in the past 4 years, if anything, people have been more encouraging and trusting of my work than Ive ever experienced in my life, but somewhere deep in my soul lies, those failures and those failures continue to  pop up in my head during every new project that I begin. I noticed this last night for a new project that I am apart of, its a play that will go up at Columbia Stages in February titled 'The Seven' in NYC. Last night we had our first table read, this is where the entire cast comes together and reads the script for the first time. 

Now as of late, my attitude about my speech has been…'if you don't like it, then don't talk to me' I believe working at Trade Joe's on the Upper Westside with a few too many entitled customers has brought this attitude along, but I can dig it. But when I walk into a room, specifically career related, i freeze up, I doubt myself, I shake, I sweat, I stiffen up. Now HOW CAN I DO MY BEST WORK UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS? Even someone without an impediment of any kind would have a difficult time doing their best work under those conditions. I came to the realization that I was holding onto so much of the past, and making what has happened in the past the truth for my life, that Ive ignored all of my successes. How dare I take away all of my hard work, and make my learning curve the truth of my life….it isn't…we all grow…we all learn…and this isn't to say that I will never stutter again at a table read, or have a difficult time with a script, but it is to say, Im not that 20 year old girl anymore, fearful of others thoughts of my work, and desperately praying for clear speech so I can maybe get a two liner in a mediocre college production. Im doing plays in New York City now, in professional theatre, with professional artist, who also admire the work that I do. Time to grow up Jacquelyn, and look at what I have accomplished…and thats a lot. Past….GET THE HELL OUT MY WAY…thank you!

Sincerely 

     Stuttergirl