Update on life.

I know that I havnt updated this blog in 2 months or so, creating quality videos takes a lot of time, and Im really falling in love with the creative process, so Im so sorry for my neglect. However, a lot of things have been going on in my mind lately. There has been a change in my thinking and the way I am approaching things with myself. It seems to be more productive. I feel like this new place will help me find where i am suppose to be in this world. I am forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone without abandon, and i plan to get even better at it. I still have moments of shame but they are shorter lived and much easier to recover from. I recently joined Toastmasters, a group of people that meet up weekly or so, to become better at public speaking. I was really embraced when I walked in, A speech coach offered to mentor me. Its cool, so Im excited to begin that, and there are a lot of other things happening right now that excite me as well. Im feeling good, but making sure to maintain my spiritual practice. I now see how important consistency is. Not to say that I won't fall off the bandwagon again, but i will at least recognize my misplaced footing much sooner. The people in my life that are there to do good are becoming increasingly more recognizable, allowing me to release myself from those with ill intent. Its a new womanhood, I like it, its adult, its sensual, its confident, its very me. And I like her.

Quick update.

How, are you guys doing, I have been knee deep in a lot of things, work, future stutter girl projects, and taking a few endeavors to improve upon myself. One of my challenges this week was to attend a Toastmsters meeting and complete a table topic. For those of you who do not know, toastmasters is a public speaking group that meets to practice public speaking. I am really trying to overcome this fear, and I hear this is a supportive place to begin. I am also noticing that the daily challenge has become more of a chore than a task to test my fear and challenge it, so I am going to reprogram it for myself to make sure i get the most benefit from it and that it doesn't make speaking mundane chore for me, because Im trying to refine the joy that I had in speaking as a child. I will be beck with what I come up with for this. Oh btw I was nominated for a Supporting Actress award out here in NYC for a play that I did last year called IYOM. Its an honor. I hope all is well with you, and I will be back soon. Im also having horrible issues with a virus on my macbook which is like unheard of, so I have to take it to the store....golly gee

Day 52 Stuttering Awareness Day

So today is Stuttering Awareness Day, there seems to have been a lot of people very excited about it this year, thats good, I can see that the Stuttering Community is gaining more of a voice, and I appreciate that, I think its a beautiful thing. So today, i went to an event that AIS and the NSA were throwing. It was supposed to be a scavenger hunt that encouraged stutterers to talk to strangers and educate them about stuttering, however it rained and poured and we ended up staying inside, but we instead, made phone calls to five people in our phones to tell them its Stuttering Awareness Days and share one stuttering fact with them. It was fun, i chose to call a friend i haven't spoken to in a while, I still advertised, (ps, all my friends know that I stutter) and told him the fact, then the conversation just went somewhere else, this pretty much happened with all of my friends. But that was my challenge and I completed it...Boom

Day 51 #100TerrifyingDays

Yesterday was a telephone challenge, Im working on lessening my facial contortions when stuttering and exchanging them for more vocals stutters, so, yesterday I had a phone call, and really focused on relaxing my face during the call, it was a substation of sorts, went ok, Im not in love with working on my stutter at this moment, but it happens every time i talk so why not play around with it and figure it out. have a good day, I have another phone interview today, so I will most likely post back with my progress with substituting stuttering habit for more efficient ones..ttyl

Day 50 #100TerrifyingDays

Im proud to be kicking off my half way mark with this challenge. I had a meeting with a now friend, who was the producer for a show that I was cast in earlier this year called The Seven (by the way the number 7 has followed me my entire life, so much so that I have a tattoo of the number 7 on my wrist). The show was great, and he did a wonderful job producing it as well, so I knew I had to pick his brain about a few projects tha I would like to begin working on. We met in a cafe on Broadway and 49th street. I openly stuttered with people around us, asking for an open chair, and during our entire conversation, I made it my job to enjoy the moment, and the process of sharing my dreams and my thoughts, and to not worry about the stutter. I found that in the past, I was worrying so much about how long i kept my eyes open and how much tension i had that i stopped taking the time to understand why we talk in the first place and its to express ourselves. So, I focused on that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to work on eye contact and what not, but for this second, i just want to have fun talking, because its been a labored process for so much of my life.

Day 49 #100TerrifyingDays

My thoughts flow up and down all of the time, and to tell you the truth I am getting a little tired of making challenges to do daily for my speech. It makes my speech a much bigger deal in my life for this moment than it ever has been, and to be completely honest, because my stutter is connected so deeply to me as a person, i think I want to change some of my challenges to be about making myself a better person. Ill give a little example...so today

As most of you know, I work in customer service. And one of the only things that I really do like about my job is my crew. Our job is difficult and demanding, and we all know the struggle and pull together to get things done. I like them a lot. However, everyone in every group can't be friends. So when I first began this job, I believe that I walked into the store my cheery self, ready to meet people, and almost immediately, I felt a non-friendly vibe from a few of the girls on the crew. I, instead of going against that vibe, and being friendly and putting myself a little bit on the limb, i automatically decided, "fine then i won't talk to them, whatever." So, since I've begun this job, 9 months ago, very few words have been exchanged, however many glances and looks and crossed eyes have been had. sooooooo

Today during lunch break a bunch of us were in the lunch room talking about...something..who knows. This one girl I hadn't gotten along with and I agreed on this one topic and had a really fun exchange during the conversation, it was nice, because I felt the weight of all the defensiveness that I was carrying melt off. Its a lot of weight to carry, even if its just the front..."Whatever, I don't care." Because I really did apparently. So before we both left work, I walked up to her and said, I know we've never had the time to talk, but the little exchange we had today felt good. I just wanted to say that. And her response was, yeah it did. She then she asked if I was working tomorrow.

 So, this is what I mean. I have good instincts and I can feel what is the best decision and sometimes I fight it because of my ego. Im looking to work on myself. Yes my stutter is apart of myself but it isn't all of it, and Id hate to minimize this challenge just to my speech. Ok so from here on out, things are changing a little, you ready?

Day 48 #100TerrifyingDays

Spoke on a mic today. Unexpectedly, but I guess thats the best time to do anything huh. So a wonderful friend of mines Cristina Pimentel who is a brilliant fashion stylist and a beautiful stutterer as well (shameless plus for her website The Fuschsia Files here) threw a fashion event here in NYC, it was beautiful, cocktails and women discussing what makes them feel authentic. SO while discussion was happening, the microphone was sneakily passed to me...The question was, "what make your style you? or something along those lines, and I answered, as I wore my purple MAC lipstick, "lipsticks make me feel like me, its authentic to who I am" and boy did I stutter, however I also advertised before giving my answer.

As of late I have been taking the time to feel what my first reactions to situations are, and my first instinct was the pass the mic to someone else, I decided to fight that and speak. Its one thing at a time that will help me overcome this fear, that is present within me when speaking. Im enjoying the learning process, but I have much further to go than I ever thought.

Day 47 #100TerrifyingDays

So, today, I took myself on an artist date, Its kind of just a date with myself where I go to a place that invigorates my senses, and makes me feel alive, and artsy, so todays artist date was at Pottery Barn, whats more fun than designing your home, life (well i could think of a million more fun things, but pottery barn is my jam too.) So I went ask the clerk my question, and i promised myself that I would get one word out today without losing eye contact while speaking. i did it. I'm feeling good. My spirits have been a little low but I have to lift them because, theres no church in the wild...drops mic

Day 46 #100TerrifyingDays

Todays was pretty low-key as well, I had a meeting with my website designer to work on creating my new website and learning how to run it on my own btw www.Stuttergirl.com will be up soon my loves, Im excited about that, I will be putting my blog post on there soon, and close my blogspot.com, I will let you know when all of that occurs.
Today, i did a phone call challenge,  advertised in the call, but that is no longer a challenge for me, in this phone call I did a lot of hard stuttering, its scary to show people that, but I think my challenge with that will be putting up the video and allowing people to see me in the insecure state. Stuttering sometimes feels like I'm naked, literally, and maybe sharing that with the world is what will help me to overcome it. I don't know, i still question even starting Stuttergirl because my insecurity tries to take over all of the time, but I fight it.....to post or not to post, that is the question.

Day 45 #100TerrifyingDays

Went to work today, I seem to be having a lot of heartfelt moments with my co-workers as of late, Im enjoying it, no complaints here, so Im strolling around my job, trying to look busy for a second or two, when I randomly got into this conversation with one of my co-workers about where I have been and what I've been up to. I recently took three weeks off work to travel a bit, and talk about stuttering in other countries. So i explained this, and that opened up the floodgates for him to share with me about his experience with being OCD, and how judgmental people can be without properly understand exactly what is going on. Its interesting, but I'm happy we had the talk. I had to monitor my tension during this talk a lot, some days are just easier than others. I also had this customer today who was really down on herself about being the Black Sheep in her family because she has a learning disability, she actually opened up the conversation by saying "my sisters a speech pathologist, you should just slow down" I responded with, well i can tell you that that is not the truth. I then told her about Stuttergirl and how I hope the videos i do help people. So, that was my day in a nutshell, with some voluntary stuttering thrown in there as well.

Day 44 #100TerrifyingDays

Had a meeting today...yes a 'Stuttergirl meeting' you guys have no idea how much I love Stuttergirl, its not where id like it to be yet, but i do put my heart into it, and I hope you guys can see that. So, I had a meeting, going over some ideas and I during the meeting I made sure to really work on releasing tension. When a block comes, I become a ball of tension, that is so difficult to let go of, so this was about an hours worth of monitoring. I think I did pretty good...always working on improving though.

Day 43 #100TerrifyingDays

Hey friends, well its back to work I go asking people if they'd like paper or plastic. Im excited for the day we start charging for bags when grocery shopping, so many other countries charge, and we do in some places in the States, but I'm tired of our entitled customer thinking that paper just grows on trees...that never have to get cut down and if they are, they regrow magically within seconds. Anyway todays challenge was with a co-worker of mines. Today was my first day back from work in almost 3 weeks, and of course everyone questions was, Where were you? I have a great story, obviously, but I had the chance to really challenge my patience with myself while talking to a co-worker about stuttering, and how people have a very difficult time understanding it, and how Id love to spread some awareness, so people can stop being such asses to people who do stutter. I talked to her about the psychological side that people can experience, and how years of not saying what you want to say for fear of being ridiculed can weigh on you mentally. Yes, I stuttered during this talk, however I was very aware with myself and made sure I stayed comfortable while speaking the entire time. Whats more important than my own comfort when sharing my story? Even when emotions got high, I had to re-find my cool calm place, it felt good to work on another aspect of stuttering that wasn't just a tool, or a goal. Talking is supposed to be fun, and enjoyable and I want to find the fun in it again.

Day 42 #100TerrifyingDays

Its really ugly outside so today was pretty low-key, nothing huge on my agenda except work on my computer, but I was a little lost on the subway in Brooklyn, there was couple in front of me being super cute, they were the only people around so i had to disturb them, I felt kind of bad, but I asked which train I could take to get back to Manhattan, Manhattan was a huge stutter, I kept it audible, I'm working on feeling whats going on inside my body as well when stuttering, so I can feel more comfortable focusing on what going on, on the inside of me, instead of worrying about the thoughts of the people I am talking to, so I can gain control better. man, this is a like a full 12 step program for me...well, its my way of learning and I'm actually enjoying the process. Hope everyone else is doing well, luv ya

Day 41 #100TerrifyingDays

Ok, so today was a little different, today I decided to work on keeping my stutter audible....Im what you call a silent blocker, and in order get rid of the block I'm working on making my stutters include more sound, so i can then control my vocal cords more as well...while out with my roommate, order food, i did a very audible stutter, it was loud too, all in a days work of reducing fear.

Day 40 #100TerrifyingDays

So, I went to my first Toastmasters meeting today. Well, I tried to go, turns out this week/weekend is a holy holiday in the Jewish community, which caught me off guard because the exact same thing was happening a week ago when I was in Israel. Oh, my toastmasters meeting was at The Jewish Center in Manhattan, I've been courting this group for a while, receiving emails from them for about a year now and today was the day that i had decided to go. Luckily the church was open and I was able to talk to a few people who confirmed that the meeting would not be held this week, and maybe not next week as well. I can give myself an A for effort, however I will go to a Toastmasters by the end of this month.

Day 39 #100TerrifyingDays

So, I'm back in NYC, and alive and well. I had to take a day off, I had a 14 hour flight with another connecting 3 hour flight, while that happened I talked to people and really worked on eye contact but no exact challenge, then i took a day to sleep when I landed, and now I can say Im back to my challenges, so this one is actually for last night...the 8th.

I believe Ive told you guys before that my roommate in NYC is an actress, so she was invited to this movie premiere, and invited me, because...we love each other and i like cool events too. The great thing is that a lot of the ladies that were at the event I already knew, and some were new faces that I was excited to get to know. So I was hanging with some friends who were at this event, and another one of my friends that I went to grad school with who is also a series regular in Orange Is The New Black came in, Adrienne, she's really lovely and I saw another cast member Vicky Jeudy with her. Now I met Vicky once for a hot second at a mutual friends house, we talked about that later in the night, but first I made it a challenge to introduce myself and remain as internally calm as I possibly could. I did this, this conversation then lead to us talking about Stuttergirl and me just getting back in the country. This was a little bit of a higher feared situation and I feel really good that I completed it.

We also took a few pics, because why not, we were at a party and the drinks were free, however the male photographer was a total bust and they all came out blurry, however, Vicky is on the Left...be sure to keep up with Orange Is The New Black, all the ladies are LOVELY and the show is kickass....duh

Day 38 #100TerrifyingDays

I know...I know I said I wasn't going to do anything challenge wise today, but I did. Today is my last day In India, Dhruv, a friend of mines who Ive been staying with, we both took a walk to the markets, went to eat,  and enjoy the city, during this we had a great discussion about acceptance and the journey through it all life in general and stammering as well. This was important for me because acceptance has been a long road for me and still is, every new situation i put myself in I learn "Oh, maybe Im not as far as I thought I was" Its been an interesting journey.

All that to say, that i am not as far as I thought I was. During The Indian Stammering Association Conference, I had intense blocks, harder than Ive blocked in years, it was incredibly difficult to accept. Being in a foreign country, talking to peoples whose native language isn't English, being tired and sleep deprived, and off of a regular schedule all attributed to that, but I didn't know how intense it could get. I knew that my struggle behavior with my stutter wasn't over, but I didn't think i was this far off the path I thought I was on. All I can say to that is, well, now I know, and now I can work on it.

So, after having this talk, Dhruv challenged me to order a dessert with our waiter and keep eye contact. I did it. Not horribly painful. So Im making some changes and Im going to make my challenges more difficult the higher days I get with this journey. Stay tuned. Love you

Day 37 #100Terrifying Days

Today, I was given the opportunity to teach my first seminar/class at a stuttering conference...and I did it in India....pretty cool.  As we all know I am an actor, and as we all know i am a stutterer as well, I wanted to mix the two in an effort to give a voice to all the members in my session. i won't go in detail about the exact class i taught because I think there is a lot to improve upon, but I haven't had an authority position with adults in a while. Ive taught acting to children, but working when adult men, with a slight language barrier is difficult, I did my best and I think it went well.

 Im excited to get back to the states to really begin work on myself, sometimes being in difficult situations shows you, what you're lacking in. This was an eye opinion experience.

Day 36 #100TerrifyingDays

Hello, so I have been out of commission for a while because I was at The Indian Stammering Associations TISA conference in Pune, India, where i didn't have a wifi connection, however I am back with all my challenges that took place during that time. I can say that Here, I struggled more with my speech than I have in a very long time. It came to me as a surprise to find myself fighting myself so much to speak during these pst there days, because I have been able to have a bit of control lately. But there is nothing like being placed in a situation to remind you of exactly where you are. 

So my challenge was to give a speech, a 10 minute speech. Ive never done that before, and I was told the day before that it was something that I would be doing. So, I talked to Reuben, a fellow American stutterer on the trip as well, and a Toastmaster, to give me some tips. he was incredibly helpful, and I did my absolute best. I like to think of myself as a mix of sarcasm, whit, and honesty all rolled into one. Hopefully thats how my speech was received. I am now going to join a Toastmasters group when I get back to the states. Public speaking is important to me, and I want to be my personal best so why not give it a try.

Day 35 #100TerrifyingDays

Yesterday was maybe the longest Thursday of my life, there is also a possibility that it was the most amazing day I have had thus far. I still walk into speaking situations with people that I don't know with some fear, specially non stutterers, I always give myself about ten minutes to allow myself to feel awkward in the situation. I try not to fight it, because the truth is, that sometimes meeting people is a difficult process. All this to say that I arrived in India today...yesterday for those of you still in the states. I arrived, met two other people that stutter, Dhruv...and Reuban who is a new friend, specially after the experiences that we've had thus far. We sight saw, did some market shopping, ate some amazing Indian food, all the things expected when you go to a new country. But Dhruv is apart of a Toastmasters group here in Mumbai. Toastmaster is an organization that helps people work on being better public speakers, I went to another Toastmasters in Israel that was specifically for people who stutter. Anyway we went to a party held by a Toastmasters participant, who was actually an American, stationed in Mumbai for business. The Partygoers were all Indian and all fluent (non- stutterers).

In situations like this I always feel out of place, "what do I say, how will we connect, will we have anything to talk about." I am ecstatic to say that, the real problem was finding an appropriate time to leave the party because we have an excursion to TISA (The Indian Stuttering Association) Conference the next day. While at this party, I advertised to everyone I spoke to, and let the conversations go from there. The night ended with some dancing and a game of Freeze Tag Improv...which I played and got a big laugh out of my Ms. Cleo psychic impression. One thing I am learning as I travel around the world is that people are the same everywhere. We allow things to divide us, but we are all the same, we all want the same things, and this brought more comfort to me than any book, or quote Ive ever read or recited to myself. Oneness is a powerful thing.

p.s.
after the Toastmasters party, we headed back to Dhruvs apartment and there was a huge festival going on outside. It was Gandhi's birthday coupled with another celebration, but people were dancing to Indian music, women were beautifully dressed in Sari's and everyone was having a good time. We decided to check it out. Little did we know we would end up dancing for another hour. Little girls ran up to me asking me about my hair, I enjoyed this because it was done out of curiosity, and pure interest, we took pictures, shared stories, laughed, and I learned a lot of Indian dances. This only solidified my previous statement, that we are all one.

Day 23 Bonus #100TerrifyingDays

Ok so here is one extra one...I did it on purpose because I felt the urge to challenge myself, and...why not have a bonus. So i was leaving the Indian consulate place to pick up my visa and i stepped into this tiny elevator with two other girls (they were both obviously friends). I walked onto the elevator obviously overjoyed, one of the girls said "Happy?" I said...yes soooo happy. I got my Visa from Iiiiiiiiindia... so saying India took me the entire elevator ride. But I didn't care, and the two ladies picked back up as if nothing happened at all

Day 34 #100TerrifyingDays

I have to be honest, I may be a day behind, mainly because Im not sure what day today is. I left Paris in the morning and now I'm in Abu Dhabi and its late night, so give me a pass please. Well, I've noticed that travel, moreso traveling alone really gives you a confidence and sense of independence that nothing else can. Im loving it. Im stuttering more freely, more openly, and Im loving that feeling as well. On my flight from Paris to Abu Dhabi, We were served drinks and meals, the normal. I was asked many times what I would like. I am at the point with my stutter that I now usually say what I want despite knowing I will stutter on it, however I do still question if the word will be difficult to say.

I released a video yesterday where my speech pathologist and I were talking about how we as stutterers should work on making all sounds and all words equal opportunity words. This way nothing is more difficult, everything can be stuttered on, everything will be stuttered on and we won't worry ourselves about what is and isn't ok to say. I took a chance at this, I said the first thing I wanted each time.

Mango Juice, Lamb Kofta, Cappuccino...I flew Etihad airlines, I fell in love with the luxury of this airline...yes, even in my economy seat. Anyway, it was liberating, I stuttered over the passengers sitting next to me then kindly smiled and didn't think about it a moment afterward. Im feeling good right now, and Im exciting to meet all of the stutterers in Mumbai as well. God Bless, see ya later.

Day 33 #100TerrifyingDay

Today I went to a Toastmasters meeting for stutterers where everyone at the meeting spoke Hebrew. It was lovely, I was given the opportunity to give a speech of course in English, I made it short and sweet, but one of the members turned around and said "you dont understand anything here do you?" I later wrote him a note that said "Stuttering is one language" I cant take full credit for that quote, it was actually said to me by Eytan, you guys will meet him soon, hes and amazing stutterer in the Israeli community. After the meeting I had the opportunity to have coffee with a few of the attendees, some stutter talk some not. I was really embraced by this community and I hope to make a trip back very soon.

Day 32 #100TerrifyingDays

So today I traversed the streets of Yafo, Tel Aviv and Jerusalem...I had the best time ever! The day started out with me leaving my hostel, taking a twenty minute walk to the bus station...on my way I met a fellow named Emannuele, this was perfect timing because i was beginning to doubt that i was on the right path, after walking for 20 minutes by yourself in a foreign country, with signs that you cant read, and streets spelled differently than whats written on the map, you begin to really question yourself. Emanuelle is a Nigerian that plays on the Tel Aviv basketball team, and kindly walked me to my bus, insisted that he paid my way...and that we hang out tonight...we will see about that.

I took the bus to Jerusalem where I met Eytan, a stutterer who lives in Tel Aviv and is all about the self acceptance movement. We hung out in the Old City, it was cool, I got to see a lot of the streets and actual buildings and walls that I read about in the Bible as a child, as well as walking through all of the markets. I then got together with Uri Schneider, the speech pathologist who was apart of planning this whole trip to Israel, we did a challenge where walked up to some Israeli soldiers, while they were charging their phone and they taught me how to say their name, and i taught them how to say mines. I have all this on camera, I will post it on a vlog in the future.

And the big finale to this day was the Q and A that Uri and Hannon...both stutterers in Israel put together, where I spoke to a group speech pathologist and stutterers about my Stuttergirl videos, we created a real dialogue about acceptance and the psychological aspect of stuttering, overcoming doubt and bringing about change, it was life changing. To be in a room all of these people with the same outlook, or trying to understand my outlook...it was more than I ever could have asked for and far more than I ever would have imagined, when I first began these videos a few months ago. I hope to continue this dialogue around the world, ive met some inspiring people and they encourage me to be better. Thats all for now, im going to rest, i have another speaking engagement tomorrow...and I cant wait.

Day 31 #100TerrifyingDays

On my way  out of Paris. I have to be honest, I am a bit happy to be leaving Paris for a while, aside from not speaking the language, I have come into contact with many incredibly short tempered people, and without the right words to tell them that I stutter I found it incredibly difficult to even want to speak. However I did hang out with Parisian friend, who spoke very little english, this gave me the time to really slow down and talk to her, making communication a bit easier for the both of us. I am most likely going to make up these days with challenges in the states, however this was my experience and I own every second of it. I fly to Israel soon, I am very excited about this portion of the trip.

Day 30 #100TerrifyingDays

Still dealing with a bit of difficulty with language barrier, but yesterday I hung out with a friend that i had met this summer in the states. She speaks a little english so we had the challenge of understanding each other the entire day. It forced me to go much slower than I normally would, which was of much help. We are hanging out again today, Im going to continue my slow pace and work more on eye contact today, as it was very difficult yesterday. I tried to maintain it a few times yesterday, but working on that coupled with comprehension is a lot. ok bye y'all

Day 29 #100TerrifyingDays

Paris...Paris is lovely, but boy is it difficult to get the people designated to help you, to actually help you. So I went to lunch today to meet Burt and Jeanne two Parisian friends who stutter as well, to eat, chat, and do a little sight seeing, but of course I had to take the train to get there. Being a New Yorker, I pretty much understand subways, Once I see the map and know where Im going, I get the hang of it pretty quickly, however today, i could not find the Metro sign to get me to the station. So I'm knocking on this information window where this lady is sitting, I say "excusez-moi" deliberately trying not to piss her off by approaching her with english, she looks at me and waves me off. I say it again, she then point to the sign which was in french and turned back around.

Then this lady (we'll call her 'Ms. Wonderful')walks up, she spoke a little english as she was walking up, I thought, lets see how this goes. Then she taps the window and speaks full on french, the lady ignores her again and Ms. Wonderful raises her voice, yells at this woman in french and demands an answer. The woman behind the window walks over and directs us across the walkway to another window. Ms. Wonderful grabs my arm and says come on, she gets both of our questions answered, and turns out we end up taking the same train. While on the train she tells me she from Illinois, but moved to Europe 45 years ago, I talk a bit about stuttering. We later get separated by train doors, but her last words to me were that she'll be looking for my TED talk and God Bless. I don't know if Ill ever do a Ted Talk, they scare me, but Ms. Wonderful and I were placed in the train station just for that moment and Im thankful for it.

Day 28 #100TerrifyingDays

Right now it feels like just opening my mouth to speak is a terrifying experience. Ok maybe not terrifying, but pretty scary. So, I arrived in Paris this morning, bought my train ticket, took the train then took the bus to the location I will be staying while in Paris (i talked to people asking directions for all of these actions). I can say these were all challenges, but these were all things that had to be done. However I did decided to challenge myself. While in the supermarket, picking up a few things to have in the apt while I'm here, I heard two women speaking english (american accent english), I happy to hear someone speak english walked over and introduced myself, very openly stuttering, they introduced themselves, they're from the south. It was quick, but it was done. Im finding it difficult to voluntarily stutter while having such language barriers placed against me right now, but I'm going to figure out how to get these challenges done. Have a lovely night y'all.

Day 27 #100TerrifyingDays

I've become comfortable (speaking wise) in New York, and this trip was the perfect thing to help me realize that. I still have my difficult moments, but I can control them much easier. I had a sudden nearly uncontrollable stutter on the plane today, while talking over two other people to the flight attendant saying I'd like coffee. It was a feeling I haven't felt in a minute. I'm excited to make the world my comfort zone now.

Day 26 #100TerrifyingDays

The progress with eye contact is moving like the hare but it is moving. While at work I worked through the word P-p-paper multiple times with a few people with eye contact. Many allowed me to say the word, many finished it...but I finished it as well. This is definitely a success for me, let letter P has been one of my most feared letters, I know that if I can say P,  can say any word with confidence.

Day 25 #100TerrifyingDays

SOOOO, my roommate is in town, were both actress' so we went to this Q and A for a film that will be coming out Christmas Day 2014 called Selma. Afterward we hung out and went to dinner with the cast and the director Ava DuVernay. I had the opportunity to tell her about Stuttergirl, the video blog, my trip thats coming up, it was lovely, I don't think she got it at first, but thats ok....I get it...but she is now following me on twitter.

Day 24 #100TerrifyingDays

Ive been having a lot of meetings lately, talking to people about Stuttergirl, getting ideas, making plans and what not. Friday night I had another one. When I have hess i try to stay as calm as possible, look like I know exactly what Im talking about and try not to stutter. I decided, why am I trying not to stutter, my show is called Stuttergirl, so I threw that out the window, and that was maybe my most successful meeting to date. Fuck it, I'm me.

Day 23 #100TerrifyingDays

Ive been wanting to improve my meditation practice so I decided to go to the Jewish Community Center which hold a free/donation based meditation every morning. It really was beautiful experience. In the end the room was asked if they had any comment about the meditation. This was a room of 6 people all at least 20 yrs older than me, and I decided to raise my hand. I talked about how important the stillness was for me and understanding tat in the present moment I truly do have everything that I need. I also talked a little about Stuttergirl and how I have to remember to take it a day at a time. At the end of the meditation meeting, the Rabbi asked me for my youtube name and said that my comment helped him as well. So far a good start to this day.

Btw in the past, I never would have spoken up in room of fluent people....ever.

Day 22 #100TerrifyingDays

Had some dental work done today, so my mouth was numb for half the day, I also had a phone meeting a little later today about my possible trip to Israel, you can donate here, if you'd like to support me in spreading stuttering awareness globally.

However I noticed that I gave myself such leeway to speak as slowly as wanted to, because i had the added difficulty of not being able to feel my mouth. I wish I could give that to myself just because I deserve it. I don't don't this as often, but I used to feel so bad stuttering, because I thought i was waisting peoples time, and its my problem. I wonder if people in wheelchairs, or blind people feel this way about their "disability." So, i want to focus more on slowing down because I can, and what I need to do for myself in that moment is more important than anyones opinion about it.

Day 21 #100TerrifyingDays

Ok, so today has been a busy day. By the way I made a video that I posted today where I shared that I was invited and am trying to buy a flight to Israel to spread Stuttering Awareness. If there is anyone that hates asking for money from ANYONE its me. Id go without a lot before I even go to my parents for money. So making this video was really really difficult. But Ive gotten so much support already, thats is really showed me how beautiful the community is that these videos have started creating. Now for todays challenge, I just picked one moment to use clean stuttering with a customer. I did it at the cash register. It worked well, I struggled a bit, but i tried and that has to count for something.

Day 20 #100TerrifyingDays

Today I have a Skype meeting, discussing a few projects that Im working on, and I made it a point to work on eye contact throughout this meeting. I had some of the longest instances of open eye blocks, but thats a good thing. I can feel keeping my eyes open while blocking getting minutely easier and easier...minutely. Work in progress.

Day 19 #100TerrifyingDays

Today was really a beautiful day. For the past week, specially after the obonxious encounter I had with the Trader Joes customer who mocked my stutter, Id been going to work dreading talking to people, my thoughts were turning all people into horrible,uncaring assholes. As difficult as it was to begin i started using voluntary stuttering again at the cash register. I had stopped and began practicing my easy onsets and prolongations, but whenever I use those for too long, I notice that I fall back in the habit of trying to hide my stutter with them...which is so dangerous for me.

So i voluntary stuttered. A lot, like so much so that Im sure people were like "really?" But i don't care, I need the extreme desensitization after that week, to prove to myself again that all people aren't shitty, and that I can overcome that set back.

It went well. It really did, I got wonderful eye contact from a lot of people, and patience...It felt good. BTW I also introduced myself to a new crew member that I hadn't met before, he had great eye contact and held my hand for over 30 seconds until i got my name out. It was refreshing.

Day 18 #100TerrifyingDays

I work in retail where we have new hires and new fires ALL THE TIME. I swear this month I saw at least 100 new people. So for the people who have been there a slightly longer amount of time (which I guess would be me, 8 months and counting till I rid myself of this hell) you get into the habit of letting new people come, you don't really introduce yourself because there is a whole new 100 people who will be gone and another new 100 hired. Ive gotten into this habit which I detest, its just a bit of a hassle explaining the whole I stutter thing and waiting for their responce. However,I know how important being acknowledged is, specially as someone who has to fight for it when speaking. So, today I decided to break the habit, I introduced myself to a new girl, Jovanna, and we had a really fun conversation, I even told her about the youtube videos I do, which was cool. I may just take on the challenge to also meet one new person at my job a day. Lets see how that goes.

Day 17 #100TerrifyingDays Challenge

Went to dinner with a friend this evening at a restaurant she's managing, if I ever need a good practice session for eye contact I know I can count on her...she gets it, she gets stuttering, she gets why eye contact is important, she gets it and she's fluent, and I love her for that. So I did some really good eye contact practice with her. A waiter was at the table while we were talking and a big block came up, and she kept eye contact with me, while blocking and pulling out of it, patiently waited for me to finish my sentence, then we attended to the waiter. She's a great boss but she's also a great friend, and I needed that moment and our practice dinner.

So, this was clearly a love letter to my friend, but moments like that outweigh all the crappy ones, because these people know me and love me.

Day 16 #100TerrifyingDays

Today was pretty low-key, worked from home a bit, so I decided to do a phone call challenge using pullouts. Im working on a lot of things with my speech, i need to make a list of all of them, but one of them is muscle control, specially with pullouts. I did a phone call to a restaurant asking if I could reserve a room for a party of fifty. My goal during this call was to minimize tension, and pull out of my blocks while keeping my eyes open. i have a tendency to close my eyes when i stutter, thus losing connection with the person Im talking with. I figured a first step is learning to maintain eye contact on the phone, its a bit easier because Im not looking the person directly in the eye, and I'm also finally mentally and emotionally ready to work on this secondary, which I think is my most one. So I know it will take a lot of work, maybe years, but this journey hasn't been short thus far, so why would I expect it to be now.
I advertised on the phone, (told her that I stutter), she was very pleasant and patient, and time pressure that I felt I had placed on myself, which is the usual in a lot of cases...not all, but I walked away with a few success' and few really nice pullouts. Im happy with today.

Day 15 #100TerrifyingDays

Today voluntary stuttering was not my friend at all, every time I attempted to start a sentence off with a voluntary stutter, or stutter out of a block, I ended up in a block, or blocked more. This went on for a while. Then the thought hit me, wait, I have more than one tool I can use, duh. This is a part of why I think learning more than one type of speech technique is valuable because, we aren't the same everyday. One thing won't work every time, so I pulled out some easy onsets and prolongations. This helped me keep eye contact, which is what Im working on most. I felt much better after incorporating these. Learned a lesson today.

Day 14 #100TerrifyingDays Trying to get a Visa

Day 14 was interesting. Today I had to run around trying to get my visa for India, but I don't have residency in NY, so its been difficult, I hope I can get it, if not I may have to cancel that part of my trip. sadness. So I talked a lot today, I was in this third party visa company in a very small cramped office with three other people in close quarters. I purposely voluntary stuttered during this exchange because usually in situations like this I can revert to unintentionally hiding my stutter. So I just let it out. It went well, I was too worried about my trip to care too much about the embarrassment of people knowing that I stutter. I guess thats a plus to life getting in the way of speech. keep your fingers crossed. Sleep tight.

Day 13 #100TerrifyingDays

So here is another "well meaning" person at Trader Joes saying something not so smart. The upper westside customers never cease to amaze me with their comments. Last night I slept with the air conditioner on, so I woke up this morning with a horribly scratchy throat, and runny nose, and went to work with this. So, we change jobs nearly every hour unless you're on register, so for this particular hour throughout the day I was working the elevator, with all the moms with strollers and elderly people and random people just wanting attention its quite exhausting. So I had an elevator full of people and this elderly lady asked me a question, I stuttered, she asked if I was ok, I said yes I stutter. She said, I bet you sing beautifully though. I know this was well meaning, and what not but, maybe I'm just over all of it, all of the "nice" comments rapped in sympathy, and what not. My reply was, I speak beautifully as well. She wasn't expecting this, I could tell by her face when she heard this. By this time the elevator opened on the top floor and she walked out. There was a day when I would have agreed and said, yes I do sing, but that wasn't important, what was important was my pride in who I am. This took courage, and I did it.

Day 12 #100TerrifyingDays

So, my friend invited me to a fashion show for Fashion Week here in NYC. BTW my friend is a budding fashion youtube blogger TheCurvyCutie. So this was her atmosphere, I on the other hand was just happy to be there, and feel cool and fashionable and have the sangria. So she is one of the best networkers that I know, she has a way of talking to people that gets their guard down and she's just lovely to watch communicate. I....am still working on that specially in networking situations. So she was talking to an editor of a Plus Size Magazine company and she introduces me and says I have a blog as well, about stuttering. That was the perfect intro for me, It really set up who i was and gave the lady I was talking to information on what to expect. So I was very appreciative of that. However what happened afterward was pure luck (or preparation...i don't believe in luck), this woman was the most attentive and supportive listener I have had in a very long time, I told her about the #100terrifyingdays during all of this I kept giving myself positive reinforcement, thinking positive thoughts, and scanning my body for any tension to release. The editor and I really made a beautiful connection, she looked me in my eyes and said you're on the right path. It was beautiful. Ive been putting myself in these challenging situations lately and the confirmation that I have been receiving has been amazing. I hope this helps other people out there who have been scared to follow their dreams because of their speech or any other forceable obstacle. The doors will open, you just have to put yourself on the line and take many leaps of faith. Until next time, I love you and goodnight.

Day 11 #100TerrifyingDays

I had to call my building supervisor to fix a window in my living room. I made sure to advertise, the thing that made it different this time was I really made it a point to not succumb to time pressure, finish my sentences even when the other person on the phone finishes it, and to scan my body for tension. Doing these things made the call a success for me, focusing on the things that keep me as comfortable as I can be. Boom.

Day 10 #100TerrifyingDays

Yesterday was day 10. I worked late, got home at 11pm and passed out. Ever not been in the mood to talk to anyone. That was my yesterday, Im not sure if fluent people ever get this feeling, but sometimes I just don't want to talk, it takes effort, and quite frankly, my job really isn't worth all the effort of talking..in my opinion.

Shout out to all the people doing what they love for a living, its a hard road but passion and persistence will get you there. Anyway, I just didn't want to talk, not even for fear of stuttering which is a good feeling to have, however this one guy came to my register, and was insistent on having a conversation, so I obliged, turns out he stuttered as well. When most people say, "Oh I stutter too." I usually agree with them to let the conversation pass, when in actuality they don't stutter, they may stumble over there words from time to time which ALL people do. But this guy stuttered. You can sometimes tell by just looking in a persons eyes when their talking, that they understand the struggle that comes along with stuttering. I could tell he did. He then called me his sister, and said were like family. I said yes. Im not sure if I can count this as a challenge, if not, Ill use my bonus challenge in place of this one, but that little interaction at my register made me feel ten times better. Thank God for those little moments.

Day 9 #100TerrifyingDays Ignorance lives, and Im over it.

Im posting this on day 10 because life gets a little cray sometimes. So yesterday I had an encounter with a customer at work, I was voluntarily stuttering with all of my customers, struggle free, and just making sure that I was comfortable in myself while doing this. We can call that a challenge, but its just my way of getting to where I want to be with my speech.

So I ask this guy if he'd like p-p-p-paper or p-p-p before I could get the next word out he smiles and loudly (and I mean loudly, so loud that my two co-workers next to me stopped what they were doing to figure out what was going on) says B-B-B-B-Both. I stop what I was doing, look at him and say...I have a stutter, he looks at me smiles and says, "ahhh thats ok, take your time, I don't mind" My response was, yeah I don't mind it either, its just what it is. Ive been in enough situations like this to know how to let it pass by quickly, get the customer gone and deal with the emotional part that it may stir in me a little later.

After he left, my co-workers on either side of me said 'What the Fuck was that?" "Did he just do what I think he did?" My reply was, yes, he did, he's dumb, and ignorant and that shit happens all the time. They were furious, I was sad, Im tired of stuff like this happening, and though I stood up for myself, somewhat, Im now promising myself to educate people, in whatever manner I need to.

I once had a woman come into my store, lay her hands on me and pray...in tongues, then told me I wasn't healed because my faith was too little. REALLY!!!! Aside from hearing that from my own church throughout my childhood, I now have to deal with it from strangers, she then used an EBT card to pay for her food. I thought, "you should probably ask God to fix your finances in that case" (that was mean, I know) I told one of my managers this story and he shrugged it off as if it was nothing out of the ordinary. This only tells me that I have to take things into my own hands. I refuse to allow people to get away with such ignorant comments and behaviors. Its my job (for now), and I refuse to allow this stupidity to continue, at least not for myself.

Day 8 #100TerrifyingDays

Lots of talking today, at work, at support group, on the train, but then I decided to go into Best Buy and make this a formal challenge, I challenged myself to go into Best Buy and ask where the memory cards for cameras are, while keeping a positive mental state. Ive noticed that if I go into these challenges just working on my stutter, Im never quite happy with the outcome, so if I go into them attacking the behavior that causes the struggles in my speech, I feel better in the end. So I found a employee, asked my question, the gentleman of course finished my sentence, I would not allow him to show me where the Memory cards were until i finished my own sentence. Small things like that really do make me feel better. Whether the person has a habit of finishing other people sentences, or is impatient, or wants to help me out, I really do make it a habit to say all that I intended to say. I hope you guys are doing well on your journey, it can get a bit hectic out there, keep going!

Day 7 #100TerrifyingDays

I took a break in-between editing today to get a mani/pedi with my friend Jet. While my nails were drying I sat next to this love lady Marsha, she was 91 and lived in Manhattan her entire life. In the past I was never the type to start up conversation with people, but I have become that person more and more. I made the choice to stutter very openly with her, and worked at releasing tension while maintaining eye contact. It was such a lovely little chat that we had. Well worth it.

Day6 #100TerrifyingDays

Im a day late, I meant to post this last night, but after doing an 8 hour shift on my feet then endless editing on the computer, I literally fell asleep with my laptop on my lap with drool dripping out the side of my mouth. So, yesterday I began work at 5am, once I arrived and began talking to my co-workers I could tell that my body was holding a lot of tension. Talking was especially a difficult task. Usually a ten minute meditation helps me to get back into my body and feel whats going on on the inside, so that I can at least have a better understanding of whats going on in my body today, but I didn't have the time at that moment. So I decided to stutter, on everything. I made the choice to work with myself as much as I could, pay as much attention to my body and when it tensed up as I could and relieve the tension as much as I could. I did the same with customers. I really had to make my journey with stuttering a personal endeavor about myself. I can't care about other people opinions at this moment, this is my journey, my speech. Fortunately cognitive restructuring has helped me a lot in that department. Alright, Ill be doing a lot of editing today (Labor Day) Hopefully I can make it out the house to do a challenge, Ill catch up with you later today.

Day 5 #100TerrifyingDays

Work, work, work. Today at work, I made sure everyone I talked to knew I stuttered, that is the beauty of voluntary stuttering. And i made a point, a few times today, to hold eye contact with a customer or two, just to challenge myself. Usually at work, Im doing so much with my hands that I rarely have the time to just look at a custom and help them, so I made a point, to slow down a bit and really address the people that I was talking to. In life i think thats really important. so, there ya go

Day 4 #100TerrifyingDays Challenge

Went to a cute little bar in the village downtown with another friend that stutters Samantha. Let me just say, Im not a bar person, Im a grandma at times. I hate loud music unless Im dancing in a club and I'm not really much of a drinker. But we went to this cute little bar and the music was a bit loud, so I really made it a point to work on open and clean stuttering over the music and over the loud noise, which was difficult but, I did it. I also asked a guy to take our picture while stuttering very loudly over the music (Pic below). Then Sam asked for another one and she stuttered as well, I think the thought we were playing a game on him....whatevs. Ya'll have a good night now.

Day 3 #100 TerribleDays Challenge

So todays challenge was a little different. I did a lot of open voluntary stuttering with customers, Ive always felt a fondness for voluntary stuttering (after I got over the hump of needing to be fluent) and as I use it more I realize how much I really do like it. It just puts it out there. When my first words come out, with easy stuttering, people get it. I can see their minds process, oh she stutters, ok, and then we go on with the task at hand. I like this type of non-verbal communication. So anyway, my challenge today was to walk up to a customer and ask her where she had gotten her hair done. I liked her hair, and I want to do something different to mines when I travel in September, so that I don't have to do too much to it. I walked up to this beautiful tall woman, and immediately felt the struggle. I struggled. I struggled through out the entire conversation which ended up being about 30 minutes long because we then began talking about a slew of other things. But I did it. And I did get a few easy stutters in there, but the urge to fight the stutter is just the universe letting me know that I still have work to do. No problem. I have 97 more days of this so Im up for the challenge. But the woman also said that, the effort that it took for me to walk up to her and tell her that I liked her hair, really touched her heart. And she knew that it really wasn't about her hair but about my heart. People really do see the real you when you allow it to shine though. So, today was a success.

Day 2 #100TerrifyingDays TWERK CLASS!

I was leaving a twerk class. Yes I said TWERK CLASS. I hate doing the same workout everyday, so I switch it up a bit, and even though I did a lot of talking today I didn't plan any of it, so I decided to walk up to a man on the street and ask him how to get to the 2 train using voluntary stuttering. He gave me directions that were completely wrong (I live off the 2 train) which made me think back to when I would give people completely wrong directions in NYC on purpose because I didn't want to stutter while talking to them. Sorry to all the tourist I may have gotten lost on their NYC journey. There was struggle in the beginning, but I promised myself I would get through one stutter with complete eye contact. As I was leaving I hunkered down and said thank you, it was a pretty long thank you and I kept eye contact till the end. SUCCESS.

Bonus #100TerrifyingDays

So, this one doesn't count, but it propelled me to begin this challenge. I was invited to this event on Saturday, free food, free everything, why not go. So I get there, and my friend Mark...youve seen him in the Stuttering at the Mall video was working the event. Oh the odd jobs we do in our twenties in NYC. I did catering for about a year and a half...PEOPLE ARE A TRIP! Anyway, Mark challenged me to ask someone to take a picture of us, so I did...and here it is. So Im just gonna put that on in my back pocket.

Day 1 #100TerrifyingDays

So, today I decided to ease into the challenge. I was on the subway going to Queens for a meeting, and wanted to challenge myself on the train. Because the subway is such a closed in space I had always been aware of people watching me talk or watching me stutter. Today I was sitting next to a man, maybe in his late twenties, reading an article on his phone. I of course had my phone in my pocket, but I needed to complete the challenge, so I asked him the time, using voluntary stuttering. My first reflex when I feel a voluntary stutter is going to turn into a real stutter is to close my eyes. I fought this urge, I do remember a moment where my eyes did close, but I completed the task. Day 1 down.

#100TerrifyingDays

For those of you that were directed here by my Youtube videos...Hey! Welcome to my blog. Ive had this blog for a few years now, my very first post is from a few yrs ago, and I come here to get my thoughts out. But now I will be documenting my #100TerrifyingDays. I will be purposely putting myself into uncomfortable speaking situations daily for the next 100 days because Ive been pretty down lately, and I need to jumpstart myself and what better way than to make you guys keep me accountable. I mean, I can't not do it now, Ive already done a video about it and now this blog. So for the next 100 days I will be posting my challenge. Maybe you guys can help me come up with my 100th challenge, it has to be a good one. Alright Ill se you guys a little later today.

I Truly Pity the Impatient.

I decided to take some time away from editing my next youtube video (you can click that link and subscribe) to talk about tho small circumstance that I had yesterday at work. So I currently work in customer service and a specialty store in NYC. This store literally has a cult following and people get so serious about their products, I often want to tell them to relax and life won't end if they don't get their rosemary doused macadamia nuts, but, who am I to tell people whats really important in life?

Anyway, I had an encounter yesterday with this lady who clearly had an issue with interrupting people while they were talking, she also had the 'my time is more important than your time syndrome', with a sprinkle of impatience just to top it off. So, As I'm walking to the back room to look for a product for another customer this lady calls me, she didn't literally call me, although I do wear a name tag, she kinda said "Hey, I need some help." Im used to this, so I turned around put on my "yes ma'am" smile and patiently waited for her question. She wanted to know what sorbate meant. We sell dried fruit as well, and these particular ones were sorbate free. For those who do not know sorbate is a preservative that is used in the drying and packaging of dried fruits and a few other goods.

This particular day had been a bit of a trying one speech wise. When talking with familiar people my stress was at a minimum, however today for some reason, I was more sensitive to talking to people that I didn't know, and my stutter reflected that. These days happen, Im pretty used to them. every morning I usually take inventory of my stutter, where it is, and adjust myself to it. Doing this reminds me that I do not have complete control over everything let alone my speech, and reminds me of the importance of flexibility, the willingness to evolve and change. There goes my stutter teaching me life lessons again.

So, the word preservative has a lot of syllables and starts with a 'P', you know all the dreaded things that a lot of stutterers hate. SO, I knew this word would be a struggle for me, I felt myself fearing it, so I chose to do some voluntary stuttering on it, before I could get to the third bounce in p-p-p-perservatives, this lady says "can you get me someone who knows what their talking about?" Now in the past I would have just walked off, grabbed a co-worker and had them talk to her. Instead, I said "I do know what Im talking about.." She then interrupted me again. I then said "I have a stutter and if you just..." her reply "I don't know what your talking about, can you get me.." I say one more time, "I'm trying to answer your question.." She interrupts me again. At this point, I know their is no reason for me to continue this conversation. This woman has proven that she doesn't have the capacity to be patient enough to get the answer to her question, and Ive advertised and tried my best to communicate in a forward moving manner, so I politely grabbed one of my co-workers asked if she could take this ladies question and I walked in the back room to continue helping my previous customer. My co-worker then followed me in the back room asking the answer to the lady's question because she didn't know what sorbate was. Needless to say this made me feel even more empowered. 

I am aware that non-stutterers expect other people to not stutter as well, and when that doesnt happen, it throws them off a bit. Well maybe no one should expect anything from anyone at anytime. This is where presence comes into play. If we are present in all interactions we aren't expectant of other people, we take what is given to us as it is given. This customer would have realized, oh, this young woman does not speak like me, let me take a second to listen, or she can take an extra five minutes searching her answer from another employee, the choice is hers. Either way I walked away feeling good.

I also walked away from the situation pitying her, and feeling very proud of myself, and happy that I have something that has taught me to remain present, and keeps me from being incredibly self involved. This was a success in my book, I doubt she learned anything from this interaction, but Ive been reassured that Im on the path that works for me, and that brought joy to my heart. 

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This vlog is at www.youtube.com/jacquelynjoyce

Stuttergirl Intro 1…My first vlog!!!!!

Stuttergirl update/Mama Maya Angelou

Ive been gone for a minute. I did a show in February called The Seven. It was fantastic. I loved every moment of it. Im actually here, because my spiritual nanna has passed. She has taught me to much, I admire her spirit and just who she is as a person. Now I know an angel in heaven by name. I leave you all with this.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style”

--Maya Angelou

Im currently taking on camera acting classes, always working on my craft, it never stops. Ive also picked up running/jogging as a wonderful release for me. I love you all, have a wonderful day.

I love you all. Stay positive.

Ive been letting my past dictate my present. Not ok. Stuttergirl ;)

On every journey we take their will be setbacks, and lessons to learn from. Every now and then, we internalize those lessons and make them truth in our head. Ive done that, and Ive just noticed it and now its time to change that. So Early in my career…meaning while I was still in college and grad school…I was not able to control my speech as well as I can now. Some people think, that when I act, I just don't stutter. Thats not the truth. I knew this was the field that I wanted to work in so I had to find way and teach myself how to act without allowing the stutter to take complete control. This has been so far a 7 year process, and I am still in the process of mastering it….let be honest, I may always be in the process of mastering it.

So because I have not been completely in control of my speech and still am not, I have also experienced being pulled out of productions and plays due to my speech, not being cast in productions because of my speech, even though my audition was flawless, and me personally declining opportunities because I think people will inevitably not want to work with me. Now…none of this has happened in the past 4 years, if anything, people have been more encouraging and trusting of my work than Ive ever experienced in my life, but somewhere deep in my soul lies, those failures and those failures continue to  pop up in my head during every new project that I begin. I noticed this last night for a new project that I am apart of, its a play that will go up at Columbia Stages in February titled 'The Seven' in NYC. Last night we had our first table read, this is where the entire cast comes together and reads the script for the first time. 

Now as of late, my attitude about my speech has been…'if you don't like it, then don't talk to me' I believe working at Trade Joe's on the Upper Westside with a few too many entitled customers has brought this attitude along, but I can dig it. But when I walk into a room, specifically career related, i freeze up, I doubt myself, I shake, I sweat, I stiffen up. Now HOW CAN I DO MY BEST WORK UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS? Even someone without an impediment of any kind would have a difficult time doing their best work under those conditions. I came to the realization that I was holding onto so much of the past, and making what has happened in the past the truth for my life, that Ive ignored all of my successes. How dare I take away all of my hard work, and make my learning curve the truth of my life….it isn't…we all grow…we all learn…and this isn't to say that I will never stutter again at a table read, or have a difficult time with a script, but it is to say, Im not that 20 year old girl anymore, fearful of others thoughts of my work, and desperately praying for clear speech so I can maybe get a two liner in a mediocre college production. Im doing plays in New York City now, in professional theatre, with professional artist, who also admire the work that I do. Time to grow up Jacquelyn, and look at what I have accomplished…and thats a lot. Past….GET THE HELL OUT MY WAY…thank you!

Sincerely 

     Stuttergirl