I live in a crazy house. If I could sum it up quickly, thats what it would be, a crazy house. I do not live in a home where reality exists. There is no logic, not forethought, nothing that sane human beings do. To be honest I dint grow up in a house like that either, but this house is much more sinister. In this house the crazy changes frequently. It feels like they change daily, but that would be a slight exaggeration. Today I found out that my grandmother is hiding her food in her purse because she is afraid some men will come and take it from her. She literally takes her entire ceramic plate, shoves it in her purse and is then surprised when it makes a mess. She will pick up your keys, your phone, and hide it in her purse then act like you are wronging her for asking for them back. My mom on the other hand, roams. All day, and it drives me nuts. Im one of those snooty writers who needs everything to be still and silent when writing, hell, I hate her roaming even when Im watching trash tv, I'm like "can't you just sit your ass down please" But, I get it, kinda. She has so much mental energy, i do all her heavy lifting, anything she would use brain power for is now my responsibility, I read all the mail, I cook all the meals, I drive, I'm even the one who changes the channel on the remote, because that has become difficult for her as well, so I do it all. Ive given her, adult coloring books, and we've started crochet projects but all to no avail. She looses interest in everything very quickly, then decides to roam. If I ask her to walk the dog, she'll go outside then come right back in before he's had a chance to relieve himself. I do it all.
And its exhausting. There are so many things that I want to do, and to be honest it feels like I never will. Some days I want them to die, so I can have my life back, I know that harsh but, its how I feel. Before this, I revered life, and the opportunity to live it, and I filled each moment with strategic moves to get to the goals I set forth. Now, I take care of people who don't have much of a future ahead one them. One life for another. And I hate them for it. I don't actually hate them, but I do. i worked so hard to accomplish goals, make them proud, make me proud, and look where we are. Thoughts of death have become more and more prevalent over the past few months. I always shoo them away, but they're there. Times feel desperate, and at this moment I ask myself, who or what is there to hold onto?
And its exhausting. There are so many things that I want to do, and to be honest it feels like I never will. Some days I want them to die, so I can have my life back, I know that harsh but, its how I feel. Before this, I revered life, and the opportunity to live it, and I filled each moment with strategic moves to get to the goals I set forth. Now, I take care of people who don't have much of a future ahead one them. One life for another. And I hate them for it. I don't actually hate them, but I do. i worked so hard to accomplish goals, make them proud, make me proud, and look where we are. Thoughts of death have become more and more prevalent over the past few months. I always shoo them away, but they're there. Times feel desperate, and at this moment I ask myself, who or what is there to hold onto?
