Quick update.

How, are you guys doing, I have been knee deep in a lot of things, work, future stutter girl projects, and taking a few endeavors to improve upon myself. One of my challenges this week was to attend a Toastmsters meeting and complete a table topic. For those of you who do not know, toastmasters is a public speaking group that meets to practice public speaking. I am really trying to overcome this fear, and I hear this is a supportive place to begin. I am also noticing that the daily challenge has become more of a chore than a task to test my fear and challenge it, so I am going to reprogram it for myself to make sure i get the most benefit from it and that it doesn't make speaking mundane chore for me, because Im trying to refine the joy that I had in speaking as a child. I will be beck with what I come up with for this. Oh btw I was nominated for a Supporting Actress award out here in NYC for a play that I did last year called IYOM. Its an honor. I hope all is well with you, and I will be back soon. Im also having horrible issues with a virus on my macbook which is like unheard of, so I have to take it to the store....golly gee

Day 52 Stuttering Awareness Day

So today is Stuttering Awareness Day, there seems to have been a lot of people very excited about it this year, thats good, I can see that the Stuttering Community is gaining more of a voice, and I appreciate that, I think its a beautiful thing. So today, i went to an event that AIS and the NSA were throwing. It was supposed to be a scavenger hunt that encouraged stutterers to talk to strangers and educate them about stuttering, however it rained and poured and we ended up staying inside, but we instead, made phone calls to five people in our phones to tell them its Stuttering Awareness Days and share one stuttering fact with them. It was fun, i chose to call a friend i haven't spoken to in a while, I still advertised, (ps, all my friends know that I stutter) and told him the fact, then the conversation just went somewhere else, this pretty much happened with all of my friends. But that was my challenge and I completed it...Boom

Day 51 #100TerrifyingDays

Yesterday was a telephone challenge, Im working on lessening my facial contortions when stuttering and exchanging them for more vocals stutters, so, yesterday I had a phone call, and really focused on relaxing my face during the call, it was a substation of sorts, went ok, Im not in love with working on my stutter at this moment, but it happens every time i talk so why not play around with it and figure it out. have a good day, I have another phone interview today, so I will most likely post back with my progress with substituting stuttering habit for more efficient ones..ttyl

Day 50 #100TerrifyingDays

Im proud to be kicking off my half way mark with this challenge. I had a meeting with a now friend, who was the producer for a show that I was cast in earlier this year called The Seven (by the way the number 7 has followed me my entire life, so much so that I have a tattoo of the number 7 on my wrist). The show was great, and he did a wonderful job producing it as well, so I knew I had to pick his brain about a few projects tha I would like to begin working on. We met in a cafe on Broadway and 49th street. I openly stuttered with people around us, asking for an open chair, and during our entire conversation, I made it my job to enjoy the moment, and the process of sharing my dreams and my thoughts, and to not worry about the stutter. I found that in the past, I was worrying so much about how long i kept my eyes open and how much tension i had that i stopped taking the time to understand why we talk in the first place and its to express ourselves. So, I focused on that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to work on eye contact and what not, but for this second, i just want to have fun talking, because its been a labored process for so much of my life.

Day 49 #100TerrifyingDays

My thoughts flow up and down all of the time, and to tell you the truth I am getting a little tired of making challenges to do daily for my speech. It makes my speech a much bigger deal in my life for this moment than it ever has been, and to be completely honest, because my stutter is connected so deeply to me as a person, i think I want to change some of my challenges to be about making myself a better person. Ill give a little example...so today

As most of you know, I work in customer service. And one of the only things that I really do like about my job is my crew. Our job is difficult and demanding, and we all know the struggle and pull together to get things done. I like them a lot. However, everyone in every group can't be friends. So when I first began this job, I believe that I walked into the store my cheery self, ready to meet people, and almost immediately, I felt a non-friendly vibe from a few of the girls on the crew. I, instead of going against that vibe, and being friendly and putting myself a little bit on the limb, i automatically decided, "fine then i won't talk to them, whatever." So, since I've begun this job, 9 months ago, very few words have been exchanged, however many glances and looks and crossed eyes have been had. sooooooo

Today during lunch break a bunch of us were in the lunch room talking about...something..who knows. This one girl I hadn't gotten along with and I agreed on this one topic and had a really fun exchange during the conversation, it was nice, because I felt the weight of all the defensiveness that I was carrying melt off. Its a lot of weight to carry, even if its just the front..."Whatever, I don't care." Because I really did apparently. So before we both left work, I walked up to her and said, I know we've never had the time to talk, but the little exchange we had today felt good. I just wanted to say that. And her response was, yeah it did. She then she asked if I was working tomorrow.

 So, this is what I mean. I have good instincts and I can feel what is the best decision and sometimes I fight it because of my ego. Im looking to work on myself. Yes my stutter is apart of myself but it isn't all of it, and Id hate to minimize this challenge just to my speech. Ok so from here on out, things are changing a little, you ready?

Day 48 #100TerrifyingDays

Spoke on a mic today. Unexpectedly, but I guess thats the best time to do anything huh. So a wonderful friend of mines Cristina Pimentel who is a brilliant fashion stylist and a beautiful stutterer as well (shameless plus for her website The Fuschsia Files here) threw a fashion event here in NYC, it was beautiful, cocktails and women discussing what makes them feel authentic. SO while discussion was happening, the microphone was sneakily passed to me...The question was, "what make your style you? or something along those lines, and I answered, as I wore my purple MAC lipstick, "lipsticks make me feel like me, its authentic to who I am" and boy did I stutter, however I also advertised before giving my answer.

As of late I have been taking the time to feel what my first reactions to situations are, and my first instinct was the pass the mic to someone else, I decided to fight that and speak. Its one thing at a time that will help me overcome this fear, that is present within me when speaking. Im enjoying the learning process, but I have much further to go than I ever thought.

Day 47 #100TerrifyingDays

So, today, I took myself on an artist date, Its kind of just a date with myself where I go to a place that invigorates my senses, and makes me feel alive, and artsy, so todays artist date was at Pottery Barn, whats more fun than designing your home, life (well i could think of a million more fun things, but pottery barn is my jam too.) So I went ask the clerk my question, and i promised myself that I would get one word out today without losing eye contact while speaking. i did it. I'm feeling good. My spirits have been a little low but I have to lift them because, theres no church in the wild...drops mic

Day 46 #100TerrifyingDays

Todays was pretty low-key as well, I had a meeting with my website designer to work on creating my new website and learning how to run it on my own btw www.Stuttergirl.com will be up soon my loves, Im excited about that, I will be putting my blog post on there soon, and close my blogspot.com, I will let you know when all of that occurs.
Today, i did a phone call challenge,  advertised in the call, but that is no longer a challenge for me, in this phone call I did a lot of hard stuttering, its scary to show people that, but I think my challenge with that will be putting up the video and allowing people to see me in the insecure state. Stuttering sometimes feels like I'm naked, literally, and maybe sharing that with the world is what will help me to overcome it. I don't know, i still question even starting Stuttergirl because my insecurity tries to take over all of the time, but I fight it.....to post or not to post, that is the question.

Day 45 #100TerrifyingDays

Went to work today, I seem to be having a lot of heartfelt moments with my co-workers as of late, Im enjoying it, no complaints here, so Im strolling around my job, trying to look busy for a second or two, when I randomly got into this conversation with one of my co-workers about where I have been and what I've been up to. I recently took three weeks off work to travel a bit, and talk about stuttering in other countries. So i explained this, and that opened up the floodgates for him to share with me about his experience with being OCD, and how judgmental people can be without properly understand exactly what is going on. Its interesting, but I'm happy we had the talk. I had to monitor my tension during this talk a lot, some days are just easier than others. I also had this customer today who was really down on herself about being the Black Sheep in her family because she has a learning disability, she actually opened up the conversation by saying "my sisters a speech pathologist, you should just slow down" I responded with, well i can tell you that that is not the truth. I then told her about Stuttergirl and how I hope the videos i do help people. So, that was my day in a nutshell, with some voluntary stuttering thrown in there as well.

Day 44 #100TerrifyingDays

Had a meeting today...yes a 'Stuttergirl meeting' you guys have no idea how much I love Stuttergirl, its not where id like it to be yet, but i do put my heart into it, and I hope you guys can see that. So, I had a meeting, going over some ideas and I during the meeting I made sure to really work on releasing tension. When a block comes, I become a ball of tension, that is so difficult to let go of, so this was about an hours worth of monitoring. I think I did pretty good...always working on improving though.

Day 43 #100TerrifyingDays

Hey friends, well its back to work I go asking people if they'd like paper or plastic. Im excited for the day we start charging for bags when grocery shopping, so many other countries charge, and we do in some places in the States, but I'm tired of our entitled customer thinking that paper just grows on trees...that never have to get cut down and if they are, they regrow magically within seconds. Anyway todays challenge was with a co-worker of mines. Today was my first day back from work in almost 3 weeks, and of course everyone questions was, Where were you? I have a great story, obviously, but I had the chance to really challenge my patience with myself while talking to a co-worker about stuttering, and how people have a very difficult time understanding it, and how Id love to spread some awareness, so people can stop being such asses to people who do stutter. I talked to her about the psychological side that people can experience, and how years of not saying what you want to say for fear of being ridiculed can weigh on you mentally. Yes, I stuttered during this talk, however I was very aware with myself and made sure I stayed comfortable while speaking the entire time. Whats more important than my own comfort when sharing my story? Even when emotions got high, I had to re-find my cool calm place, it felt good to work on another aspect of stuttering that wasn't just a tool, or a goal. Talking is supposed to be fun, and enjoyable and I want to find the fun in it again.

Day 42 #100TerrifyingDays

Its really ugly outside so today was pretty low-key, nothing huge on my agenda except work on my computer, but I was a little lost on the subway in Brooklyn, there was couple in front of me being super cute, they were the only people around so i had to disturb them, I felt kind of bad, but I asked which train I could take to get back to Manhattan, Manhattan was a huge stutter, I kept it audible, I'm working on feeling whats going on inside my body as well when stuttering, so I can feel more comfortable focusing on what going on, on the inside of me, instead of worrying about the thoughts of the people I am talking to, so I can gain control better. man, this is a like a full 12 step program for me...well, its my way of learning and I'm actually enjoying the process. Hope everyone else is doing well, luv ya

Day 41 #100TerrifyingDays

Ok, so today was a little different, today I decided to work on keeping my stutter audible....Im what you call a silent blocker, and in order get rid of the block I'm working on making my stutters include more sound, so i can then control my vocal cords more as well...while out with my roommate, order food, i did a very audible stutter, it was loud too, all in a days work of reducing fear.

Day 40 #100TerrifyingDays

So, I went to my first Toastmasters meeting today. Well, I tried to go, turns out this week/weekend is a holy holiday in the Jewish community, which caught me off guard because the exact same thing was happening a week ago when I was in Israel. Oh, my toastmasters meeting was at The Jewish Center in Manhattan, I've been courting this group for a while, receiving emails from them for about a year now and today was the day that i had decided to go. Luckily the church was open and I was able to talk to a few people who confirmed that the meeting would not be held this week, and maybe not next week as well. I can give myself an A for effort, however I will go to a Toastmasters by the end of this month.

Day 39 #100TerrifyingDays

So, I'm back in NYC, and alive and well. I had to take a day off, I had a 14 hour flight with another connecting 3 hour flight, while that happened I talked to people and really worked on eye contact but no exact challenge, then i took a day to sleep when I landed, and now I can say Im back to my challenges, so this one is actually for last night...the 8th.

I believe Ive told you guys before that my roommate in NYC is an actress, so she was invited to this movie premiere, and invited me, because...we love each other and i like cool events too. The great thing is that a lot of the ladies that were at the event I already knew, and some were new faces that I was excited to get to know. So I was hanging with some friends who were at this event, and another one of my friends that I went to grad school with who is also a series regular in Orange Is The New Black came in, Adrienne, she's really lovely and I saw another cast member Vicky Jeudy with her. Now I met Vicky once for a hot second at a mutual friends house, we talked about that later in the night, but first I made it a challenge to introduce myself and remain as internally calm as I possibly could. I did this, this conversation then lead to us talking about Stuttergirl and me just getting back in the country. This was a little bit of a higher feared situation and I feel really good that I completed it.

We also took a few pics, because why not, we were at a party and the drinks were free, however the male photographer was a total bust and they all came out blurry, however, Vicky is on the Left...be sure to keep up with Orange Is The New Black, all the ladies are LOVELY and the show is kickass....duh

Day 38 #100TerrifyingDays

I know...I know I said I wasn't going to do anything challenge wise today, but I did. Today is my last day In India, Dhruv, a friend of mines who Ive been staying with, we both took a walk to the markets, went to eat,  and enjoy the city, during this we had a great discussion about acceptance and the journey through it all life in general and stammering as well. This was important for me because acceptance has been a long road for me and still is, every new situation i put myself in I learn "Oh, maybe Im not as far as I thought I was" Its been an interesting journey.

All that to say, that i am not as far as I thought I was. During The Indian Stammering Association Conference, I had intense blocks, harder than Ive blocked in years, it was incredibly difficult to accept. Being in a foreign country, talking to peoples whose native language isn't English, being tired and sleep deprived, and off of a regular schedule all attributed to that, but I didn't know how intense it could get. I knew that my struggle behavior with my stutter wasn't over, but I didn't think i was this far off the path I thought I was on. All I can say to that is, well, now I know, and now I can work on it.

So, after having this talk, Dhruv challenged me to order a dessert with our waiter and keep eye contact. I did it. Not horribly painful. So Im making some changes and Im going to make my challenges more difficult the higher days I get with this journey. Stay tuned. Love you

Day 37 #100Terrifying Days

Today, I was given the opportunity to teach my first seminar/class at a stuttering conference...and I did it in India....pretty cool.  As we all know I am an actor, and as we all know i am a stutterer as well, I wanted to mix the two in an effort to give a voice to all the members in my session. i won't go in detail about the exact class i taught because I think there is a lot to improve upon, but I haven't had an authority position with adults in a while. Ive taught acting to children, but working when adult men, with a slight language barrier is difficult, I did my best and I think it went well.

 Im excited to get back to the states to really begin work on myself, sometimes being in difficult situations shows you, what you're lacking in. This was an eye opinion experience.

Day 36 #100TerrifyingDays

Hello, so I have been out of commission for a while because I was at The Indian Stammering Associations TISA conference in Pune, India, where i didn't have a wifi connection, however I am back with all my challenges that took place during that time. I can say that Here, I struggled more with my speech than I have in a very long time. It came to me as a surprise to find myself fighting myself so much to speak during these pst there days, because I have been able to have a bit of control lately. But there is nothing like being placed in a situation to remind you of exactly where you are. 

So my challenge was to give a speech, a 10 minute speech. Ive never done that before, and I was told the day before that it was something that I would be doing. So, I talked to Reuben, a fellow American stutterer on the trip as well, and a Toastmaster, to give me some tips. he was incredibly helpful, and I did my absolute best. I like to think of myself as a mix of sarcasm, whit, and honesty all rolled into one. Hopefully thats how my speech was received. I am now going to join a Toastmasters group when I get back to the states. Public speaking is important to me, and I want to be my personal best so why not give it a try.

Day 35 #100TerrifyingDays

Yesterday was maybe the longest Thursday of my life, there is also a possibility that it was the most amazing day I have had thus far. I still walk into speaking situations with people that I don't know with some fear, specially non stutterers, I always give myself about ten minutes to allow myself to feel awkward in the situation. I try not to fight it, because the truth is, that sometimes meeting people is a difficult process. All this to say that I arrived in India today...yesterday for those of you still in the states. I arrived, met two other people that stutter, Dhruv...and Reuban who is a new friend, specially after the experiences that we've had thus far. We sight saw, did some market shopping, ate some amazing Indian food, all the things expected when you go to a new country. But Dhruv is apart of a Toastmasters group here in Mumbai. Toastmaster is an organization that helps people work on being better public speakers, I went to another Toastmasters in Israel that was specifically for people who stutter. Anyway we went to a party held by a Toastmasters participant, who was actually an American, stationed in Mumbai for business. The Partygoers were all Indian and all fluent (non- stutterers).

In situations like this I always feel out of place, "what do I say, how will we connect, will we have anything to talk about." I am ecstatic to say that, the real problem was finding an appropriate time to leave the party because we have an excursion to TISA (The Indian Stuttering Association) Conference the next day. While at this party, I advertised to everyone I spoke to, and let the conversations go from there. The night ended with some dancing and a game of Freeze Tag Improv...which I played and got a big laugh out of my Ms. Cleo psychic impression. One thing I am learning as I travel around the world is that people are the same everywhere. We allow things to divide us, but we are all the same, we all want the same things, and this brought more comfort to me than any book, or quote Ive ever read or recited to myself. Oneness is a powerful thing.

p.s.
after the Toastmasters party, we headed back to Dhruvs apartment and there was a huge festival going on outside. It was Gandhi's birthday coupled with another celebration, but people were dancing to Indian music, women were beautifully dressed in Sari's and everyone was having a good time. We decided to check it out. Little did we know we would end up dancing for another hour. Little girls ran up to me asking me about my hair, I enjoyed this because it was done out of curiosity, and pure interest, we took pictures, shared stories, laughed, and I learned a lot of Indian dances. This only solidified my previous statement, that we are all one.

Day 23 Bonus #100TerrifyingDays

Ok so here is one extra one...I did it on purpose because I felt the urge to challenge myself, and...why not have a bonus. So i was leaving the Indian consulate place to pick up my visa and i stepped into this tiny elevator with two other girls (they were both obviously friends). I walked onto the elevator obviously overjoyed, one of the girls said "Happy?" I said...yes soooo happy. I got my Visa from Iiiiiiiiindia... so saying India took me the entire elevator ride. But I didn't care, and the two ladies picked back up as if nothing happened at all

Day 34 #100TerrifyingDays

I have to be honest, I may be a day behind, mainly because Im not sure what day today is. I left Paris in the morning and now I'm in Abu Dhabi and its late night, so give me a pass please. Well, I've noticed that travel, moreso traveling alone really gives you a confidence and sense of independence that nothing else can. Im loving it. Im stuttering more freely, more openly, and Im loving that feeling as well. On my flight from Paris to Abu Dhabi, We were served drinks and meals, the normal. I was asked many times what I would like. I am at the point with my stutter that I now usually say what I want despite knowing I will stutter on it, however I do still question if the word will be difficult to say.

I released a video yesterday where my speech pathologist and I were talking about how we as stutterers should work on making all sounds and all words equal opportunity words. This way nothing is more difficult, everything can be stuttered on, everything will be stuttered on and we won't worry ourselves about what is and isn't ok to say. I took a chance at this, I said the first thing I wanted each time.

Mango Juice, Lamb Kofta, Cappuccino...I flew Etihad airlines, I fell in love with the luxury of this airline...yes, even in my economy seat. Anyway, it was liberating, I stuttered over the passengers sitting next to me then kindly smiled and didn't think about it a moment afterward. Im feeling good right now, and Im exciting to meet all of the stutterers in Mumbai as well. God Bless, see ya later.