Its always easy to write a blog post when things are going well and you feel like improvement is in a constant linear process. Well for the past week and a half or so, I have not felt that way at all. I have felt as though I have regressed. I have felt more fear speaking to people than I have in maybe over a month, I am tensing up more than I have in a while, and keeping eye contact has been incredibly difficult.
Whenever there are ups there are also downs, and right now I am in a down, but its ok, I have to remind myself that it is always ok to be in a down, success nor progress is linear. As an actor, these down days can be difficult, on days like these, in rehearsals or in auditions, I have to forces myself to be super present. So present to the point that I forget that I stutter. When I have memorized lines to recite, its a tad bit easier, but once I have to answer a question off the fly, my awareness of my speech begin blaring like loud music in my mind.
I have continued to voluntary stutter with three people that I do not know daily, I have also begun doing thirty minutes of practice, doing easy onsets and prolongations. Hopefully this will get me back on track. I am also trying to become more aware of myself before the moment I begin speaking, I usually tense every muscle in my body. Awareness is invaluable. When times like this arrive, I sometimes just want to give up, but I have learned and am still learning that the best thing to always do is up my practice. Its exhausting and relentless but its what has to be done.
Onward and upward.
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